Working Lady

Sure is hard being a working lady~.


Whelp, I haven't posted in a couple of days. Sorry about that, guys. Have you missed me much? What've I been up to... Not much, I guess. I've been working on that t-shirt design that I mentioned, sleeping... I had my first bad day at work today! That was fun. I walked part of the way home to blow off some steam. Felt good, save for the fact that the sun is blazing full-on today. 


Steven and I went to McDonald's yesterday. We probably sat there for an hour, talking about schools, human perception, and working in the food industry. I mostly listened. Not because he was hogging the conversation or anything, but because I just don't talk much. I wonder if that ever bothers him? He's such a talkative person and I'm so clammed up all of the time. I'm such an introvert when it comes down to it. A friend of mine back in Texas used to yell at me for it, actually.


He'll probably assure me that it doesn't bother him soon as he reads this. Because I'm a dork and I always think I'm annoying people when I'm really not, haha. My own worst critic. 


I do love talking to people, meeting new people, and working with them, despite my inward tendencies. I suppose that's why I was so bothered at work today. A quiet little voice in the back of my mind has probably been setting me up for this bad day, too, to be honest. See, each day, I go in with a smile and I plan on working the hardest that I can. Then, I do. Then, I come home. I'm tired and I feel so... unfulfilled. I know part of being an adult is doing things that you don't want to do, but this runs a little deeper than that.


I wish I were in school. 


I dove into college, praying I would figure out what I wanted to do with myself by the time I'd finished my AA. Then, everything went wrong, and now I can only hope I can get back into courses by Fall. That's the biggest reason I wanted a job. I wanted to save up money so I wouldn't be so dependent on loans and the like, you know? But, this job that I have, because of my own weakness, just isn't enough. It pays for gas, it takes care of my immediate needs, and lets me have a little spending cash on the side, but once it's all divvied out... Well, you tell me how much 80$ will get you in the long run. 


I'm so much better off than a lot of people and here I am, whining like a baby about how work just ins't fulfilling my wildest dreams. Fck, that's pathetic, isn't it? It's an off day. I swear I don't do this often. In fact, I've been so incredibly happy lately. This is literally one of those few between moments where I feel... bothered, I guess. 


What am I going to do when Summer rolls around? What if I don't get back into courses?


Money is a terrifying thing. I feel so trapped whenever I think about it. If I could get rid of my loans, erase them and start over, I'd feel so much better, I think. It's a small amount -- right now -- but it's still well over what I'd make in 3 months. Add some interest in there -- and if I get back into courses? I'm only pushing them back a little while. They'll only pile up in the end. 


I am so incredibly disappointed in myself for letting life get in the way of my first semester. I don't think I'll ever let myself live it down. School is so important to me. If I could swing being a substitute teacher? Sweetheart, believe me when I say: I'd take it in a heartbeat. To work with others, to watch and help people learn... Grief, I couldn't even do that, could I? The school system here is so completely fcked. What are they even doing in classrooms nowadays? Last time I volunteered at an elementary school, I wanted to kick a wall.


I turn around and I can see Steven napping, his legs pulled up like a pretzel, his arms sprawled about his head as he snores quietly. He's my rock, as the metaphor goes. I can look at him and smile and feel confident again. He -- and almost everyone I know -- believes in me. He knows that I can do good, no matter what curve ball is tossed my way. I have so many people that have all the world's faith in me. I can't believe I let myself forget that sometimes.


I showed that tattoo artist my work I've been doing for Geared to Oblivion. He says he's dying to get me into his shop and make a tattooist out of me. Says I could make some great money. Is it so horrible that I want to ditch everything and run there? Not for the money or for the praise, but because I honestly, really want to do it? I want to be a tattoo artist so badly, it drives me nuts sometimes. These negative voices tell me that I can't do it, that I'm not good enough, but dammit, why? Why am I not good enough? Everyone says that I am except for thos bloody voices, my insecurities.


I still want to be a writer, first and foremost. Being a tattoo artist would be so convenient. It would be the job that feeds my career, but it wouldn't have to be boring or unenjoyable. Not at all. I think I'd be 100% smiles, to be honest. Maybe that's why I have such a hard time believing that it could work out? 


Alright, alright. Comment away, my friends. Have some words of wisdom? Share them, please~.


I hope you've enjoyed this excursion

just beyond the grey.

Until next time~. 
Blessed be!

Humbly,            

Shannon Grey

P.S. I want to cook something, just for the sake of cooking. Maybe bake something from scratch? Cookies? ):